Thursday, 1 November 2012

As I sit here writing to you, I am sipping tea from a mug.  But not just any tea, green tea that I bought from a specialty store...I drove there for the sole purpose of buying tea...for myself.  Oh, we've only just begun!  The special steam billows not from just any mug, the aroma floats from my very own special mug.  I bought just one mug...just for me.  Why make an event out of such a mundane task you ask? makes me feel special.  I am sitting here feeling special because I did something for MYSELF that makes me feel that way.  Let's face it, if we can't find the time to do special things for ourselves, who else will?

Allow me to rewind.  I am a woman who is also a mother...kind of a double whammy.  When I wake up every morning to the sound of the alarm, before my feet have the opportunity to hit the floor, my mind races and is already thinking and focused on someone other than myself.  That's right, before I even know how I may be feeling my concern is already focused onto someone else.  As many women  and moms can surely attest, our days are filled and often over-flowing with putting others first.  Our children come first, as do our partners, our neighbours, co-workers, bosses, sisters, mothers, fathers, dogs previous owners Aunt guessed name it...they come first. And after a long day of all of those firsts, who's got time for seconds?  Sooooooo, where does that leave us?  I have days where I feel I have been left in the gutter...those days when you feel like you have been spit at, stepped on, looked over, tossed aside, chewed, screwed and bbq'd!  And our day has only just begun!  Then we are expected to pick up the kids and arrive home spat splattered with a smile on our face looking fresh and ready to prepare a fabulous meal while initiating stimulating and pleasant conversation over our neatly and creatively set dinner table. Huh?  Some days I feel like I can armour my way through an entire day without even one person looking into my eyes.  Days when I long for just one person to look at me and ask me how I am doing...hmmm perhaps not, for I know that there are moments when if asked how I am, the flood gates of tears would surely burst.  I fear, at times that I won't get out alive!

I stopped putting myself first a long time ago.  So long ago, in fact, that I don't know how to even do it anymore.  That's okay though.  Baby steps, right!  I am learning how to, at the very least, make sure that I make the list.  Not only do others get the best of me, more times than not they get all of me.  So I have decided to reincorporate ME back into my life.  I have decided to start small because BIG seemed over indulgent and wasteful and made me feel overwhelmed and guilty...really...really?  I have decided it is time to start saying yes to myself once in awhile.  Make yourself a nice tea in a special mug, buy that vintage wine just because, draw yourself a tub and wrap yourself in a fluffy new housecoat, buy that cute jacket that you've had your eyes on ...just...because.  Every single time you say yes to yourself you are telling yourself that you are worth it. Every time I chose to say yes, the more special I feel.  And something miraculous is is working!  These acts of kindness towards myself may seem small and silly to some but I am really starting to get to know myself again.  That old saying that we teach others how to treat ourselves is so true.  I have discovered that others are beginning to take notice of my new found self worth and they want to make me feel special too.  This special attention to myself has really opened my eyes.  When I do special acts of kindness for myself I am discovering that it is much easier to pay it forward.  I no longer have feelings of giving solely out of obligation.  In finding more room for me, I have found more room in my heart for others.  Say yes to yourself once in awhile.  I dare you!  I know that you too will discover that you are worth it.  Because you are!