Sunday, 15 September 2013

I Can Do Difficult Things

 I have struggled with my weight since I can remember.  At my heaviest, I weighed in at 225 pounds.  I labeled myself 'the fat girl'.  I felt shame and guilt.  I felt like a complete stranger.  I felt safe.  Yes, you read that right.  I hid within myself.  I thought that society would not only label me 'fat', but expect nothing from me.  My self dialogue would go something like this, "oh, you're just a fat girl, no one expects anything from you.  You are worthless and no good.  They won't pay any attention to YOU!". I had, in a sense, created my own prison.  No one could get in, but I felt like there was no way out. That false sense of security began to smother me. Since my 225 pound weigh in, I have lost a lot of weight, and gained back a lot of weight.  I would eat to punish myself.  I would eat to comfort myself.  I would eat to reward myself.  I had developed an emotional relationship with food, and it was TOXIC! 

  Speaking of poison, my negative 'self talker' also led me to believe that I was not capable of achieving goals.  She told me I was a quitter.  That I had no drive.  That I may as well stop dreaming because I was incapable of following through.  As a result, I did stop dreaming...I was at a lonely and desperate stand still.  But I wasn't alone.  God has a way of placing certain people in your life exactly at the moment you need them.  And he was working through my coach the day she reached out and asked me a simple question, "How are you".  And truly, those three words changed the course of my life.

  In May of this year I accepted a challenge.  I signed up for a beachbody challenge.  Turbofire to be exact.  Was I nervous, you bet.  I was down right scared.  My negative 'self talker' was on a roll..."what on earth do you think you are doing? You don't have the money for this.  You are crazy.  You know you never finish anything.  You complain everyday that your back hurts, that you are too tired, that life is too difficult, that you are too busy.  What a waste!".  Too late now...I ordered latest 'failure' was already on its way. 

  And come it did.  In a bright blue box stating in huge white letters 'Let's Do This!'.  Key word, LET'S!  I quickly came to realize that between my turbofire program, my coach, my fellow challenge members and the access to my beachbody account...I had a whole team behind me.  The only thing standing in my way was my negative self-talker...the only thing standing in my way, was ME!  So I thought I would try something new.  I would silence that bossy negative voice in my head.  I would ignore her.  I would silence her until I could change her mind.  And I simply, began.  I pressed play.  I posted in my challenge group.  I became accountable.  I listened to my coach.  I drank my Shakeology every single day.  And then I pressed play again...and again.  Today, I finished my first ever beachbody challenge.  I, Tina Pelletier the self-proclaimed failure, finished 12 weeks of a challenge!  Today, I became a goal achiever.  You see, I discovered throughout this journey that it wasn't that I couldn't accomplish my goals.  I had learned that I had no idea how to set a goal and I have never felt like I had the support and the means, the map, to follow through and achieve it.  Today, I am 28 pounds lighter.  Today I feel like I can accomplish ANYTHING that I set out to do.  Today, I know how to set a goal and seek out the skills I need in order to see it through.  Today, I realize that food is not my friend, but it is also not my enemy.  Today, I received another blue box in the mail.  Tomorrow, I start Insanity!  Insane?  Absolutely!  But I know now that I can do difficult things.