What do you do for a living?

   In the past, when someone asked me what I did for a living I would start to squirm a bit. I would politely respond with the answer and more times than not, the individual would walk away disappointed.
When I really think about that question now, it leads me to this one, what do I do to live! To really LIVE! Well, in order to be alive I must eat, sleep, etc...and in order to pay for those things I must wake up, like everyone else and go to work. But my work does not define me. I have never thought that it would. It just never has. What do I need to do to be living? I need to dance and sing and be surrounded by music. I need to create. I need to listen and to surround myself with positive people. I need to connect with nature and animals. But most importantly, for me to be 'living' I need to love.   
  It is very important to me that my family and friends, my loved ones, feel loved. I tell them often. But it is important for me to show them. To make them feel loved, not just to hear me say it. What if I took that a step further. Doesn't everyone deserve to be loved? Everyone has the ability to be loved...everyone CAN be loved. So if a total stranger CAN be loved, why not love them? 

  If a person you love suddenly dissappeared, would you have regrets?  Would you wish you had told them you loved them? Would there be things you felt were left unsaid? If you are trully loving the people in your life, if you are showing them love and allowing them to feel your love, being an example of love, then there would never be anything left unsaid because there just wouldn't be a need for words.  Humans know love.

  When I leave this place, I want to know that I really lived. And if just one person felt my love, my life would be a success.  So the question really should be, what do you do for a loving?

You are 'WE'

  While waiting for the car to warm up today, my seven year old son says, 'Mom, we're pretty special you and me'.  I know what he is saying. That him and I, that 'WE' are special. I respond, 'Yes, we are'. I remind him how special he is to me, to the world. I tell him how special he makes me feel. I look him in the eye and tell him that is what makes 'US' special. I tell him that it is a gift for the whole world to see.  I listen to him sigh with contentment as he looks out the window smiling. I drive off in our warm car with a warm heart.
  The world needs to see more of that don't you think? More special. Find someone, anyone TODAY and make them feel special. Allow someone the precious gift to return the favour.  Share your special for all to see. The world needs to be reminded every so often that we are all special. Because every single one of us belongs to the 'WE'.

I Can Do Difficult Things

 I have struggled with my weight since I can remember.  At my heaviest, I weighed in at 225 pounds.  I labeled myself 'the fat girl'.  I felt shame and guilt.  I felt like a complete stranger.  I felt safe.  Yes, you read that right.  I hid within myself.  I thought that society would not only label me 'fat', but expect nothing from me.  My self dialogue would go something like this, "oh, you're just a fat girl, no one expects anything from you.  You are worthless and no good.  They won't pay any attention to YOU!". I had, in a sense, created my own prison.  No one could get in, but I felt like there was no way out. That false sense of security began to smother me. Since my 225 pound weigh in, I have lost a lot of weight, and gained back a lot of weight.  I would eat to punish myself.  I would eat to comfort myself.  I would eat to reward myself.  I had developed an emotional relationship with food, and it was TOXIC! 

  Speaking of poison, my negative 'self talker' also led me to believe that I was not capable of achieving goals.  She told me I was a quitter.  That I had no drive.  That I may as well stop dreaming because I was incapable of following through.  As a result, I did stop dreaming...I was at a lonely and desperate stand still.  But I wasn't alone.  God has a way of placing certain people in your life exactly at the moment you need them.  And he was working through my coach the day she reached out and asked me a simple question, "How are you".  And truly, those three words changed the course of my life.

  In May of this year I accepted a challenge.  I signed up for a beachbody challenge.  Turbofire to be exact.  Was I nervous, you bet.  I was down right scared.  My negative 'self talker' was on a roll..."what on earth do you think you are doing? You don't have the money for this.  You are crazy.  You know you never finish anything.  You complain everyday that your back hurts, that you are too tired, that life is too difficult, that you are too busy.  What a waste!".  Too late now...I ordered it...my latest 'failure' was already on its way. 

  And come it did.  In a bright blue box stating in huge white letters 'Let's Do This!'.  Key word, LET'S!  I quickly came to realize that between my turbofire program, my coach, my fellow challenge members and the access to my beachbody account...I had a whole team behind me.  The only thing standing in my way was my negative self-talker...the only thing standing in my way, was ME!  So I thought I would try something new.  I would silence that bossy negative voice in my head.  I would ignore her.  I would silence her until I could change her mind.  And I simply, began.  I pressed play.  I posted in my challenge group.  I became accountable.  I listened to my coach.  I drank my Shakeology every single day.  And then I pressed play again...and again.  Today, I finished my first ever beachbody challenge.  I, Tina Pelletier the self-proclaimed failure, finished 12 weeks of a challenge!  Today, I became a goal achiever.  You see, I discovered throughout this journey that it wasn't that I couldn't accomplish my goals.  I had learned that I had no idea how to set a goal and I have never felt like I had the support and the means, the map, to follow through and achieve it.  Today, I am 28 pounds lighter.  Today I feel like I can accomplish ANYTHING that I set out to do.  Today, I know how to set a goal and seek out the skills I need in order to see it through.  Today, I realize that food is not my friend, but it is also not my enemy.  Today, I received another blue box in the mail.  Tomorrow, I start Insanity!  Insane?  Absolutely!  But I know now that I can do difficult things.

Behind the Curtain

  While driving the other day something was brought to my attention.  When I am behind the wheel, I am fully engaged in the task.  I am paying attention.  I am present.  Don't get me wrong, I realize that once in awhile I am on auto-pilot but for the most part I am living in the here and now.  I check-in with the status of my vehicle making sure that everything is in order and working properly.  Does the vehicle have sufficient gas for the journey, are the lights working, engine running, seat belts on?  I will continue to check-in throughout our drive.  How's my speed, checking mirrors, how are the kid(s).  But more importantly while driving, it is essential that I am aware of, and responding to what is happening outside of my own vehicle and its surroundings.  I must pay attention to (in no particular order) the roads (including its potholes the size of craters), construction, pedestrians, bicycles, other vehicles and drivers, the elements, the signals.  We must pay attention to the signs.  What if, when we were not in our vehicles we decided to enforce the same discipline, engage the same rules?  What if we heightened our senses and decided to become more aware of the signs?  What would happen if we connected and reacted with others like we do when we are behind the wheel?  What if we were fully aware of one another?  Paying attention to movements, gestures, looked one another in the eye, made way, worked in harmony.  Became present.

  That brought me to thinking about smoke and mirrors.  How we present ourselves.  How we allow others to see us.  How we want others to see us.  How we present ourselves to the world.  Many of us have not only built walls, we have created an 'alter ego' of sorts.  The person that we present to the world, to 'the show'.  Kind of like the Wizard in 'The Wizard of Oz'.  When Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Tin man and Cowardly Lion get their first glimpse of the Wizard he presents himself as the awe inspiring, larger than life, completely unapproachable great and powerful Wizard of Oz.  They are so distracted by his 'show' (smoke and mirrors) that they are completely unaware of their surroundings.  It is Toto the dog who finally pulls at the curtain to unveil the real, very human individual who demands they "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!".  And well, you know the rest.  Turns out it is the man, not the Wizard who has the real gifts to offer.

What if we allowed others behind the curtain? What if we just tore them down? What if we allowed people in. What if we actually saw one another? What if we came out from behind the curtain?

If we are not mindful we will find ourselves completely consumed by the attempt to keep our 'alter ego' look at me I have everything together appearance, in order.  If we are distracted by the smoke and mirrors we are missing what may really be going on in our lives.  If we could kick down those walls and tear down those curtains maybe we could really see one another.  We could share our gifts and lift each other up.  Perhaps even discover that we already are living over the rainbow.

Hot cross buns

It is cold! It is -15 cold here in Windsor Ontario.  I am sitting on my couch with two long sleeve shirts on, a wool toque, two pairs of socks, sweat pants and mocassins sipping on spicy hot chocolate.  Jesse and I just returned from iceskating outdoors...brrrrr.  Turns out, I STILL do not appreciate winter.  I LOVE being Canadian.  I HATE being cold.  I am one of those cold hands (and feet) warm heart kinda girls.  My hands are ALWAYS freezing.  Being outside in the cold makes them beyond feeling.  Even my bum is freezing right now!  I should invent a couch with heated seats.  You know, like heated car seats...ahhhhh I can feel it now.  Or maybe I'll just hibernate.  Stay warm friends.

As I sit here writing to you, I am sipping tea from a mug.  But not just any tea, green tea that I bought from a specialty store...I drove there for the sole purpose of buying tea...for myself.  Oh, we've only just begun!  The special steam billows not from just any mug, the aroma floats from my very own special mug.  I bought just one mug...just for me.  Why make an event out of such a mundane task you ask?  Simple...it makes me feel special.  I am sitting here feeling special because I did something for MYSELF that makes me feel that way.  Let's face it, if we can't find the time to do special things for ourselves, who else will?

Allow me to rewind.  I am a woman who is also a mother...kind of a double whammy.  When I wake up every morning to the sound of the alarm, before my feet have the opportunity to hit the floor, my mind races and is already thinking and focused on someone other than myself.  That's right, before I even know how I may be feeling my concern is already focused onto someone else.  As many women  and moms can surely attest, our days are filled and often over-flowing with putting others first.  Our children come first, as do our partners, our neighbours, co-workers, bosses, sisters, mothers, fathers, dogs previous owners Aunt Lucy...you guessed it...you name it...they come first. And after a long day of all of those firsts, who's got time for seconds?  Sooooooo, where does that leave us?  I have days where I feel I have been left in the gutter...those days when you feel like you have been spit at, stepped on, looked over, tossed aside, chewed, screwed and bbq'd!  And our day has only just begun!  Then we are expected to pick up the kids and arrive home spat splattered with a smile on our face looking fresh and ready to prepare a fabulous meal while initiating stimulating and pleasant conversation over our neatly and creatively set dinner table. Huh?  Some days I feel like I can armour my way through an entire day without even one person looking into my eyes.  Days when I long for just one person to look at me and ask me how I am doing...hmmm perhaps not, for I know that there are moments when if asked how I am, the flood gates of tears would surely burst.  I fear, at times that I won't get out alive!

I stopped putting myself first a long time ago.  So long ago, in fact, that I don't know how to even do it anymore.  That's okay though.  Baby steps, right!  I am learning how to, at the very least, make sure that I make the list.  Not only do others get the best of me, more times than not they get all of me.  So I have decided to reincorporate ME back into my life.  I have decided to start small because BIG seemed over indulgent and wasteful and made me feel overwhelmed and guilty...really...really?  I have decided it is time to start saying yes to myself once in awhile.  Make yourself a nice tea in a special mug, buy that vintage wine just because, draw yourself a tub and wrap yourself in a fluffy new housecoat, buy that cute jacket that you've had your eyes on ...just...because.  Every single time you say yes to yourself you are telling yourself that you are worth it. Every time I chose to say yes, the more special I feel.  And something miraculous is happening...it is working!  These acts of kindness towards myself may seem small and silly to some but I am really starting to get to know myself again.  That old saying that we teach others how to treat ourselves is so true.  I have discovered that others are beginning to take notice of my new found self worth and they want to make me feel special too.  This special attention to myself has really opened my eyes.  When I do special acts of kindness for myself I am discovering that it is much easier to pay it forward.  I no longer have feelings of giving solely out of obligation.  In finding more room for me, I have found more room in my heart for others.  Say yes to yourself once in awhile.  I dare you!  I know that you too will discover that you are worth it.  Because you are! 

The Sweet Surrender

Surrender to the moment
 

I love music. I have listened to, danced with and sang along to music everyday for as long as I can remember. I can still close my eyes and in an instant be flipping through my mother's record collection. I loved that sound...flip, Fleetwood Mac's Rumors, flip, Van Morrison's Moondance, flip...and the smell of a new record being pulled from its sleeve...how the vellum would stick to the record as you slipped it from its case. I can get lost in the sounds, the words, the meaning, and the dancing...miles and miles of dancing. Music means A LOT to me. So naturally I have a collection of music that has carried me through well, my life.

It seems that I have passed this appreciation to my son. When I was pregnant with Jess I would blast music in the apartment and dance and sing while I rubbed my belly. Now WE listen to music everyday. Jess and I have living room 'dance party date nights' which include singing at the top of our lungs, daring acrobatics and lots of laughter as we test some 'new moves'. I can retrieve most of my fondest memories in the sound of a single note. Turns out, music has taught me one of the most important lessons on parenting...to surrender.

That's right folks I now proudly wave the universal parenting flag of white. Alright, so some days it is more of a frantic, exhausted and defeated wiggle of the 'giving in' to a hostile take over...I surrender!
Prior to becoming a Mother I was a fanatic when it came to my CD's. Do you remember that Friends episode, 'The one where Joey doesn't share food'? I was like that with my CD's (and my food, but more on that later). No, I will not lend you this CD! You can listen to it here. If you feel the need to peruse my music, handle the CD properly! And DO NOT put the wrong CD in the wrong case...I may ask you to leave.

The other day Jess and my niece are listening to music and a stack of CD's (not put back in their case) cascades from the shelf...ffffffftttttttt...down they go all over the floor. Now, don't get me wrong, I did sweat a bit and run over to pick them up...but I didn't have to demand they vacate the property. See? Growth. I am now a mom to a sticky fingered, music lovin', five year old AND finger printed music. Jesse has taught me not to sweat the small stuff. It isn't always easy though. In fact, sometimes it's even down right painful. Change=growing pains.

To surrender means, ' to yield (something) to the possession or power of another'. And to yield is to 'give way'. This does not mean that I always give Jess his way. But it has allowed me to step back. To get outside of myself. To live in the moment. To forget my 'rules'...and well...let love rule.

My love for Jess was unconditional the moment I discovered I was pregnant. I am still learning to give up power, to 'give way', to yield. Sometimes I have to surrender ten times a day. But each time I do...well, those are the moments of growth. I strive everyday to be a better mom. To master the skill of unconditional surrender. To allow possibility. Oh and how I have discovered, that is where all the good stuff lives...the treasure lies buried within ...the sweet surrender.