The Giving Tree and Me

My son and I filled 6 bags of leaves while raking today at our new house. I was aware of the fact that we had a tree on our front lawn from the get go but it wasn't until her green leaves began to turn orange that I started to really pay attention to her. I have been admiring our front yard beauty for a couple of weeks now.   She has been standing tall and showing off for us ever since.
  I made sure to take some time everyday to stop and look and appreciate our little tree as her muted orange leaves changed into beautiful vibrant red. As the sun shone a little less brightly, our tree seemed to be on fire.  
  When we began our two hour chore I caught myself thinking, how can such a gorgeous tree make such a big mess!  But as we raked and bagged, we laughed and talked and took pictures in her fallen leaves. We created memories. I raked away lost in the task thinking sadly, we are sweeping all of her bounty into brown bags. I soon came to the realization that her bounty was not scattered on the ground. Her bounty was hidden entangled underground.
  I learned many things today from what began as a measly task. Much like a tree, humans also must change throughout the year. What a wonderful lesson. Just as seasons change so must we. And as our beautiful ever changing tree discarded her colourful leaves, she reminded me that we must also leave things behind, let things go. That our bounty, our worth is also entwined deep within. Even if we feel dormant and fear we are lacking beauty there is growth and healing occuring. I will remember to take notice of our quiet and naked tree throughout the long and cold winter months. More importantly, I will learn to have more patience with myself when I am feeling stripped and unworthy. I will allow our tree to teach me her lessons. I am always changing. For even in the darkest days, there is growth and beauty waiting to be discovered.

Tag...you're not it...

What drives you? What inspires you? What are your passions? These are questions I ask myself often. As a matter of fact, too often.
  The pursuit of happiness has morphed into the ever rotating whirlwind known as the rat race. So what are you chasing? Your passion? Your dreams? Someone else's? When was the last time you stopped to peruse the pursuit?
  What would happen if we just stopped.  Just stopped running. Stopped chasing. Stopped the huffing and puffing...and...stood...still.  Forget the fear of others passing you by. Forget what we are chasing. Forget what we are running from. Forget the fear of what may be chasing us.  What if we simply let ourselves BE. Stand with yourself. Still. Quiet. 
  Take an opportunity to step off of the treadmill.  Quiet the noise pollution that fill us up until we fear we may explode. Listen to the sound of your breath. Hear the beats of your heart. Awaken...inhale...exhale...open your eyes beautiful...free yourself.  If only for the moment.

My Life as a Houseboat

  I have been lost in a sea of house renovations for a month now. My landlegs shake and wander aimlessly aboard what often seems like a sinking ship. The waves of uncertainty can hit you like a squall. But despite having moments of longing to jump overboard, I have found myself falling in love.  I find myself vowing to go down with the ship.
  When the house was purchased, it was put together. It functioned as a house.  It stood, day after day unnoticed.  We introduced ourselves by getting a massive garbage bin delivered. And I couldn't help but wonder, how on earth are we going to fill this?  This simple house that stood merely existing began to crumble.  And as we began to expose its secrets and uncover its past, I found myself whispering 'It is ok, everything is going to be ok. You will be whole again. I will take care of you'. And with every rusty nail being yanked from it's bones, my mantra became stronger and louder.  Crazy right! Talking to a house! But you see, I wasn't. I wasn't talking to this house.This proclamation that started as a whisper was meant for me.
  This house has become a labour of love.  My labour of love. A new beginning. My new beginning. Every nail being pulled and each wall coming down exposing the beauty that I know exists there.  And as the house came down and the bin overflowed, I could see its vulnerability. But standing proud in all of its rawness I see beauty. I see potential.  And I find myself repeating, 'You are ok. You are beautiful. We will restore and rebuild. We will find a way'.
  It is a very slow process.  So much of the rebuilding depends on the actions and service of others.  And there are many I must depend on. It is difficult and terrifying for me to depend on others. It is one of many of my character defects. I am learning to ask for help. To admit I am not ok. To let others know I can't do this alone.  And slowly but surely, as the walls are exposed help arrives. Willing hands who SEE this 'house' and its beauty in all of its rawness. Beautiful gifts who know its potential.
  If you are ever feeling abandoned, ugly or unworthy I am here to tell you, you are not alone. There are people who want to see you. People who want to see your rawness and beauty, if you will allow them. If you can be brave enough to break down your walls there are treasures to be discovered. 
  Having faith in a process you know nothing about is difficult and challenging. Change is scary.  I too tire of the endless need to be taught lessons through trials. But this is living. We must take time to renovate and restore ourselves.  When we settle we are stagnant. We become old and tired. We begin to rot.  Every single day is a new opportunity for a fresh coat of paint, a new beginning. It is ok to start over.
  Take some time to awaken from your daily routines. Allow yourself the opportunity to look at the horizon.  Don't be too quick to judge what you perceive to be troubled waters.  You never know what secrets lurk behind the walls. You never do know who is waiting to fall in love with what lies beneath the surface.  Be patient...hope floats.

What do you do for a living?

   In the past, when someone asked me what I did for a living I would start to squirm a bit. I would politely respond with the answer and more times than not, the individual would walk away disappointed.
When I really think about that question now, it leads me to this one, what do I do to live! To really LIVE! Well, in order to be alive I must eat, sleep, etc...and in order to pay for those things I must wake up, like everyone else and go to work. But my work does not define me. I have never thought that it would. It just never has. What do I need to do to be living? I need to dance and sing and be surrounded by music. I need to create. I need to listen and to surround myself with positive people. I need to connect with nature and animals. But most importantly, for me to be 'living' I need to love.   
  It is very important to me that my family and friends, my loved ones, feel loved. I tell them often. But it is important for me to show them. To make them feel loved, not just to hear me say it. What if I took that a step further. Doesn't everyone deserve to be loved? Everyone has the ability to be loved...everyone CAN be loved. So if a total stranger CAN be loved, why not love them? 

  If a person you love suddenly dissappeared, would you have regrets?  Would you wish you had told them you loved them? Would there be things you felt were left unsaid? If you are trully loving the people in your life, if you are showing them love and allowing them to feel your love, being an example of love, then there would never be anything left unsaid because there just wouldn't be a need for words.  Humans know love.

  When I leave this place, I want to know that I really lived. And if just one person felt my love, my life would be a success.  So the question really should be, what do you do for a loving?

You are 'WE'

  While waiting for the car to warm up today, my seven year old son says, 'Mom, we're pretty special you and me'.  I know what he is saying. That him and I, that 'WE' are special. I respond, 'Yes, we are'. I remind him how special he is to me, to the world. I tell him how special he makes me feel. I look him in the eye and tell him that is what makes 'US' special. I tell him that it is a gift for the whole world to see.  I listen to him sigh with contentment as he looks out the window smiling. I drive off in our warm car with a warm heart.
  The world needs to see more of that don't you think? More special. Find someone, anyone TODAY and make them feel special. Allow someone the precious gift to return the favour.  Share your special for all to see. The world needs to be reminded every so often that we are all special. Because every single one of us belongs to the 'WE'.

I Can Do Difficult Things

 I have struggled with my weight since I can remember.  At my heaviest, I weighed in at 225 pounds.  I labeled myself 'the fat girl'.  I felt shame and guilt.  I felt like a complete stranger.  I felt safe.  Yes, you read that right.  I hid within myself.  I thought that society would not only label me 'fat', but expect nothing from me.  My self dialogue would go something like this, "oh, you're just a fat girl, no one expects anything from you.  You are worthless and no good.  They won't pay any attention to YOU!". I had, in a sense, created my own prison.  No one could get in, but I felt like there was no way out. That false sense of security began to smother me. Since my 225 pound weigh in, I have lost a lot of weight, and gained back a lot of weight.  I would eat to punish myself.  I would eat to comfort myself.  I would eat to reward myself.  I had developed an emotional relationship with food, and it was TOXIC! 

  Speaking of poison, my negative 'self talker' also led me to believe that I was not capable of achieving goals.  She told me I was a quitter.  That I had no drive.  That I may as well stop dreaming because I was incapable of following through.  As a result, I did stop dreaming...I was at a lonely and desperate stand still.  But I wasn't alone.  God has a way of placing certain people in your life exactly at the moment you need them.  And he was working through my coach the day she reached out and asked me a simple question, "How are you".  And truly, those three words changed the course of my life.

  In May of this year I accepted a challenge.  I signed up for a beachbody challenge.  Turbofire to be exact.  Was I nervous, you bet.  I was down right scared.  My negative 'self talker' was on a roll..."what on earth do you think you are doing? You don't have the money for this.  You are crazy.  You know you never finish anything.  You complain everyday that your back hurts, that you are too tired, that life is too difficult, that you are too busy.  What a waste!".  Too late now...I ordered it...my latest 'failure' was already on its way. 

  And come it did.  In a bright blue box stating in huge white letters 'Let's Do This!'.  Key word, LET'S!  I quickly came to realize that between my turbofire program, my coach, my fellow challenge members and the access to my beachbody account...I had a whole team behind me.  The only thing standing in my way was my negative self-talker...the only thing standing in my way, was ME!  So I thought I would try something new.  I would silence that bossy negative voice in my head.  I would ignore her.  I would silence her until I could change her mind.  And I simply, began.  I pressed play.  I posted in my challenge group.  I became accountable.  I listened to my coach.  I drank my Shakeology every single day.  And then I pressed play again...and again.  Today, I finished my first ever beachbody challenge.  I, Tina Pelletier the self-proclaimed failure, finished 12 weeks of a challenge!  Today, I became a goal achiever.  You see, I discovered throughout this journey that it wasn't that I couldn't accomplish my goals.  I had learned that I had no idea how to set a goal and I have never felt like I had the support and the means, the map, to follow through and achieve it.  Today, I am 28 pounds lighter.  Today I feel like I can accomplish ANYTHING that I set out to do.  Today, I know how to set a goal and seek out the skills I need in order to see it through.  Today, I realize that food is not my friend, but it is also not my enemy.  Today, I received another blue box in the mail.  Tomorrow, I start Insanity!  Insane?  Absolutely!  But I know now that I can do difficult things.

Behind the Curtain

  While driving the other day something was brought to my attention.  When I am behind the wheel, I am fully engaged in the task.  I am paying attention.  I am present.  Don't get me wrong, I realize that once in awhile I am on auto-pilot but for the most part I am living in the here and now.  I check-in with the status of my vehicle making sure that everything is in order and working properly.  Does the vehicle have sufficient gas for the journey, are the lights working, engine running, seat belts on?  I will continue to check-in throughout our drive.  How's my speed, checking mirrors, how are the kid(s).  But more importantly while driving, it is essential that I am aware of, and responding to what is happening outside of my own vehicle and its surroundings.  I must pay attention to (in no particular order) the roads (including its potholes the size of craters), construction, pedestrians, bicycles, other vehicles and drivers, the elements, the signals.  We must pay attention to the signs.  What if, when we were not in our vehicles we decided to enforce the same discipline, engage the same rules?  What if we heightened our senses and decided to become more aware of the signs?  What would happen if we connected and reacted with others like we do when we are behind the wheel?  What if we were fully aware of one another?  Paying attention to movements, gestures, looked one another in the eye, made way, worked in harmony.  Became present.

  That brought me to thinking about smoke and mirrors.  How we present ourselves.  How we allow others to see us.  How we want others to see us.  How we present ourselves to the world.  Many of us have not only built walls, we have created an 'alter ego' of sorts.  The person that we present to the world, to 'the show'.  Kind of like the Wizard in 'The Wizard of Oz'.  When Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Tin man and Cowardly Lion get their first glimpse of the Wizard he presents himself as the awe inspiring, larger than life, completely unapproachable great and powerful Wizard of Oz.  They are so distracted by his 'show' (smoke and mirrors) that they are completely unaware of their surroundings.  It is Toto the dog who finally pulls at the curtain to unveil the real, very human individual who demands they "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!".  And well, you know the rest.  Turns out it is the man, not the Wizard who has the real gifts to offer.

What if we allowed others behind the curtain? What if we just tore them down? What if we allowed people in. What if we actually saw one another? What if we came out from behind the curtain?

If we are not mindful we will find ourselves completely consumed by the attempt to keep our 'alter ego' look at me I have everything together appearance, in order.  If we are distracted by the smoke and mirrors we are missing what may really be going on in our lives.  If we could kick down those walls and tear down those curtains maybe we could really see one another.  We could share our gifts and lift each other up.  Perhaps even discover that we already are living over the rainbow.