Tuesday, 12 November 2013

My Life as a Houseboat

  I have been lost in a sea of house renovations for a month now. My landlegs shake and wander aimlessly aboard what often seems like a sinking ship. The waves of uncertainty can hit you like a squall. But despite having moments of longing to jump overboard, I have found myself falling in love.  I find myself vowing to go down with the ship.
  When the house was purchased, it was put together. It functioned as a house.  It stood, day after day unnoticed.  We introduced ourselves by getting a massive garbage bin delivered. And I couldn't help but wonder, how on earth are we going to fill this?  This simple house that stood merely existing began to crumble.  And as we began to expose its secrets and uncover its past, I found myself whispering 'It is ok, everything is going to be ok. You will be whole again. I will take care of you'. And with every rusty nail being yanked from it's bones, my mantra became stronger and louder.  Crazy right! Talking to a house! But you see, I wasn't. I wasn't talking to this house.This proclamation that started as a whisper was meant for me.
  This house has become a labour of love.  My labour of love. A new beginning. My new beginning. Every nail being pulled and each wall coming down exposing the beauty that I know exists there.  And as the house came down and the bin overflowed, I could see its vulnerability. But standing proud in all of its rawness I see beauty. I see potential.  And I find myself repeating, 'You are ok. You are beautiful. We will restore and rebuild. We will find a way'.
  It is a very slow process.  So much of the rebuilding depends on the actions and service of others.  And there are many I must depend on. It is difficult and terrifying for me to depend on others. It is one of many of my character defects. I am learning to ask for help. To admit I am not ok. To let others know I can't do this alone.  And slowly but surely, as the walls are exposed help arrives. Willing hands who SEE this 'house' and its beauty in all of its rawness. Beautiful gifts who know its potential.
  If you are ever feeling abandoned, ugly or unworthy I am here to tell you, you are not alone. There are people who want to see you. People who want to see your rawness and beauty, if you will allow them. If you can be brave enough to break down your walls there are treasures to be discovered. 
  Having faith in a process you know nothing about is difficult and challenging. Change is scary.  I too tire of the endless need to be taught lessons through trials. But this is living. We must take time to renovate and restore ourselves.  When we settle we are stagnant. We become old and tired. We begin to rot.  Every single day is a new opportunity for a fresh coat of paint, a new beginning. It is ok to start over.
  Take some time to awaken from your daily routines. Allow yourself the opportunity to look at the horizon.  Don't be too quick to judge what you perceive to be troubled waters.  You never know what secrets lurk behind the walls. You never do know who is waiting to fall in love with what lies beneath the surface.  Be patient...hope floats.

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