Thursday, 21 November 2013

The Curtain Comes Down

I have been 'burning the candle at both ends' for some time now. I was sure that I was juggling it all with vigour and grace until...I got sick. It is a challenge to keep burning anything when your body is not well. I feel like I was forced to drop the balls and just stare helplessly at the rubble left underfoot.  I feel like my body is holding me prisoner.  Looking around our house I grimace as I calculate all of the work that needs to get done if we are to be in the new house by Christmas. My mind attempts to mastermind a list of things to do. My ego tells me that I can do all of these things as long as I just push through. I feel landlocked and suffocate as the walls of uncertainty start to close in on me. Then I can't help but wonder, do we keep ourselves so busy, so preoccupied with 'to-do's' because we don't want to have to deal with 'what is'  happening in our lives? I know that I am often guilty of living in denial. If I keep myself busy enough I can live within the charade for quite some time. But I know, deep in the depths of my heart that I am denying my soul of living my truth. When I am forced to slow down, even for a moment, there is a constant burning, a longing telling me that I need to wake up.
I have always been a strong advocate for trusting ones intuition. Our intuition is our truth speaking to us. I also know that once we stop listening to that voice of truth, the whisper will eventually fade away until we no longer can hear or recognize it. If we are lucky we get a gentle nudge reminding us that we are still in there. I am making changes everyday to get back to me. To uncover my truths. To live the life I am meant to live. It is hard. I have moments where I just want to put the mask back on and hide. I tell myself 'the show must go on'! But for whom am I performing?  When the curtain comes down, I am left standing alone, game faced and tired. We rob ourselves, and others of so much when we are not living our truth. It takes so much energy to live a lie. And that's what we are doing when we deny our truth. We deny our potential, we hide our gifts, we bury our soul beneath the rubble of our busy lives. How do we find our truth again? I wish I had the answer. I am starting by lifting and throwing away the lies, piece by piece.
Living my truth is going to be difficult. I am a chronic people pleaser. I have always searched desperately for the approval of others. This life change will surely get boo's and hisses from others, and may not be received with a standing ovation. But I do know that this show has long since run its course. I know the charade is over. Every single moment I spend distracting myself now feels like an eternity. I know that when I can no longer stand to look myself in the mirror that there is an urgency to make some changes, to wake up. So, I suppose that in many ways I am indeed burning out. But I also know that if I put my ear to the ground,and listen carefully, I can hear the fire still smoldering deep within the smoke and ashes. I will tend to, and stoke my own rubble until it ignites. Forget the spotlight.  Truth is, I am not a burn out.  A fire lives within me that cannot be smothered. My truth is my light, and I vow that my flames will rise and my fire will shine again as bright as the sun. When you are living your truth, no one can put out your fire, not even you.

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