I am a rock

I am a rock collector. I have been bringing home rocks ever since I can remember. I find rocks in my pockets, in my nitestand, in purses. And my rock hoarding has been passed down to my son. Now we look for, and collect rocks together. I'm not talking about precious stones either. We can become treasure hunters anytime, anywhere. At the park, in an alley, under a tree, by the river, in a stream...if there are rocks to be found, we find em. We pick them up, feel them, examine them, skip them, throw them...and when we find a special one...we collect them and bring them home. What makes a rock special? Many things! We look at them like we look at clouds.  Shape resemblance...this one has a face, this one's a polar bear. Colour wet, colour dry. Our favorites have surely become heart shaped rocks (We have gifted many a heart shaped rock).
A couple of weeks ago, my son woke out of a deep sleep and stumbled into my room. I happened to be up reading. He reached his hand to me and said 'here momma'. Clasped tightly in his tiny little hand was one of our heart rocks. He turned immediately and crawled right back into bed. Now, I understand that to most, it is just a rock. But this special midnight delivery had a purpose. He was giving me love. His love. Our love.
Rock collecting belongs to us. It is one way we spend time together. We talk with eachother. We listen to one another. We explore. We pile and balance and throw. We use our imaginations. We embrace the opportunity to quiet the noise and just be. Often times when we get home we will draw or print on our rocks. Sometimes we paint them. Some end up in the garden, many are nestled inside. Our interest in rocks has made them special...to us. This is how we spend much of our time out in nature and our rock adventures often lead us toward many other missions. Bugs and leaves and sticks often derail the quest, if only for a moment. We become hunters and gatherers.  Our rock collection proudly declares that we are treasure hunters. Our rocks help us stay grounded and connected.
So if ever you receive a rock gift from us, please don't take offense. You can be sure that the gift is thoughtful and meant for your hands.
A rock standing alone can have very little impact for many. But rocks help us to understand we are capable of building mountains, one pebble at a time.  Our rocks teach us that we can climb those mountains. We can even move them, if we choose...together. I am a rock. I may even be a mountain. But I am no island. No one can stand alone. Not even you.

The Giving Tree and Me

My son and I filled 6 bags of leaves while raking today at our new house. I was aware of the fact that we had a tree on our front lawn from the get go but it wasn't until her green leaves began to turn orange that I started to really pay attention to her. I have been admiring our front yard beauty for a couple of weeks now.   She has been standing tall and showing off for us ever since.
  I made sure to take some time everyday to stop and look and appreciate our little tree as her muted orange leaves changed into beautiful vibrant red. As the sun shone a little less brightly, our tree seemed to be on fire.  
  When we began our two hour chore I caught myself thinking, how can such a gorgeous tree make such a big mess!  But as we raked and bagged, we laughed and talked and took pictures in her fallen leaves. We created memories. I raked away lost in the task thinking sadly, we are sweeping all of her bounty into brown bags. I soon came to the realization that her bounty was not scattered on the ground. Her bounty was hidden entangled underground.
  I learned many things today from what began as a measly task. Much like a tree, humans also must change throughout the year. What a wonderful lesson. Just as seasons change so must we. And as our beautiful ever changing tree discarded her colourful leaves, she reminded me that we must also leave things behind, let things go. That our bounty, our worth is also entwined deep within. Even if we feel dormant and fear we are lacking beauty there is growth and healing occuring. I will remember to take notice of our quiet and naked tree throughout the long and cold winter months. More importantly, I will learn to have more patience with myself when I am feeling stripped and unworthy. I will allow our tree to teach me her lessons. I am always changing. For even in the darkest days, there is growth and beauty waiting to be discovered.

Tag...you're not it...

What drives you? What inspires you? What are your passions? These are questions I ask myself often. As a matter of fact, too often.
  The pursuit of happiness has morphed into the ever rotating whirlwind known as the rat race. So what are you chasing? Your passion? Your dreams? Someone else's? When was the last time you stopped to peruse the pursuit?
  What would happen if we just stopped.  Just stopped running. Stopped chasing. Stopped the huffing and puffing...and...stood...still.  Forget the fear of others passing you by. Forget what we are chasing. Forget what we are running from. Forget the fear of what may be chasing us.  What if we simply let ourselves BE. Stand with yourself. Still. Quiet. 
  Take an opportunity to step off of the treadmill.  Quiet the noise pollution that fill us up until we fear we may explode. Listen to the sound of your breath. Hear the beats of your heart. Awaken...inhale...exhale...open your eyes beautiful...free yourself.  If only for the moment.

My Life as a Houseboat

  I have been lost in a sea of house renovations for a month now. My landlegs shake and wander aimlessly aboard what often seems like a sinking ship. The waves of uncertainty can hit you like a squall. But despite having moments of longing to jump overboard, I have found myself falling in love.  I find myself vowing to go down with the ship.
  When the house was purchased, it was put together. It functioned as a house.  It stood, day after day unnoticed.  We introduced ourselves by getting a massive garbage bin delivered. And I couldn't help but wonder, how on earth are we going to fill this?  This simple house that stood merely existing began to crumble.  And as we began to expose its secrets and uncover its past, I found myself whispering 'It is ok, everything is going to be ok. You will be whole again. I will take care of you'. And with every rusty nail being yanked from it's bones, my mantra became stronger and louder.  Crazy right! Talking to a house! But you see, I wasn't. I wasn't talking to this house.This proclamation that started as a whisper was meant for me.
  This house has become a labour of love.  My labour of love. A new beginning. My new beginning. Every nail being pulled and each wall coming down exposing the beauty that I know exists there.  And as the house came down and the bin overflowed, I could see its vulnerability. But standing proud in all of its rawness I see beauty. I see potential.  And I find myself repeating, 'You are ok. You are beautiful. We will restore and rebuild. We will find a way'.
  It is a very slow process.  So much of the rebuilding depends on the actions and service of others.  And there are many I must depend on. It is difficult and terrifying for me to depend on others. It is one of many of my character defects. I am learning to ask for help. To admit I am not ok. To let others know I can't do this alone.  And slowly but surely, as the walls are exposed help arrives. Willing hands who SEE this 'house' and its beauty in all of its rawness. Beautiful gifts who know its potential.
  If you are ever feeling abandoned, ugly or unworthy I am here to tell you, you are not alone. There are people who want to see you. People who want to see your rawness and beauty, if you will allow them. If you can be brave enough to break down your walls there are treasures to be discovered. 
  Having faith in a process you know nothing about is difficult and challenging. Change is scary.  I too tire of the endless need to be taught lessons through trials. But this is living. We must take time to renovate and restore ourselves.  When we settle we are stagnant. We become old and tired. We begin to rot.  Every single day is a new opportunity for a fresh coat of paint, a new beginning. It is ok to start over.
  Take some time to awaken from your daily routines. Allow yourself the opportunity to look at the horizon.  Don't be too quick to judge what you perceive to be troubled waters.  You never know what secrets lurk behind the walls. You never do know who is waiting to fall in love with what lies beneath the surface.  Be patient...hope floats.

What do you do for a living?

   In the past, when someone asked me what I did for a living I would start to squirm a bit. I would politely respond with the answer and more times than not, the individual would walk away disappointed.
When I really think about that question now, it leads me to this one, what do I do to live! To really LIVE! Well, in order to be alive I must eat, sleep, etc...and in order to pay for those things I must wake up, like everyone else and go to work. But my work does not define me. I have never thought that it would. It just never has. What do I need to do to be living? I need to dance and sing and be surrounded by music. I need to create. I need to listen and to surround myself with positive people. I need to connect with nature and animals. But most importantly, for me to be 'living' I need to love.   
  It is very important to me that my family and friends, my loved ones, feel loved. I tell them often. But it is important for me to show them. To make them feel loved, not just to hear me say it. What if I took that a step further. Doesn't everyone deserve to be loved? Everyone has the ability to be loved...everyone CAN be loved. So if a total stranger CAN be loved, why not love them? 

  If a person you love suddenly dissappeared, would you have regrets?  Would you wish you had told them you loved them? Would there be things you felt were left unsaid? If you are trully loving the people in your life, if you are showing them love and allowing them to feel your love, being an example of love, then there would never be anything left unsaid because there just wouldn't be a need for words.  Humans know love.

  When I leave this place, I want to know that I really lived. And if just one person felt my love, my life would be a success.  So the question really should be, what do you do for a loving?

You are 'WE'

  While waiting for the car to warm up today, my seven year old son says, 'Mom, we're pretty special you and me'.  I know what he is saying. That him and I, that 'WE' are special. I respond, 'Yes, we are'. I remind him how special he is to me, to the world. I tell him how special he makes me feel. I look him in the eye and tell him that is what makes 'US' special. I tell him that it is a gift for the whole world to see.  I listen to him sigh with contentment as he looks out the window smiling. I drive off in our warm car with a warm heart.
  The world needs to see more of that don't you think? More special. Find someone, anyone TODAY and make them feel special. Allow someone the precious gift to return the favour.  Share your special for all to see. The world needs to be reminded every so often that we are all special. Because every single one of us belongs to the 'WE'.

I Can Do Difficult Things

 I have struggled with my weight since I can remember.  At my heaviest, I weighed in at 225 pounds.  I labeled myself 'the fat girl'.  I felt shame and guilt.  I felt like a complete stranger.  I felt safe.  Yes, you read that right.  I hid within myself.  I thought that society would not only label me 'fat', but expect nothing from me.  My self dialogue would go something like this, "oh, you're just a fat girl, no one expects anything from you.  You are worthless and no good.  They won't pay any attention to YOU!". I had, in a sense, created my own prison.  No one could get in, but I felt like there was no way out. That false sense of security began to smother me. Since my 225 pound weigh in, I have lost a lot of weight, and gained back a lot of weight.  I would eat to punish myself.  I would eat to comfort myself.  I would eat to reward myself.  I had developed an emotional relationship with food, and it was TOXIC! 

  Speaking of poison, my negative 'self talker' also led me to believe that I was not capable of achieving goals.  She told me I was a quitter.  That I had no drive.  That I may as well stop dreaming because I was incapable of following through.  As a result, I did stop dreaming...I was at a lonely and desperate stand still.  But I wasn't alone.  God has a way of placing certain people in your life exactly at the moment you need them.  And he was working through my coach the day she reached out and asked me a simple question, "How are you".  And truly, those three words changed the course of my life.

  In May of this year I accepted a challenge.  I signed up for a beachbody challenge.  Turbofire to be exact.  Was I nervous, you bet.  I was down right scared.  My negative 'self talker' was on a roll..."what on earth do you think you are doing? You don't have the money for this.  You are crazy.  You know you never finish anything.  You complain everyday that your back hurts, that you are too tired, that life is too difficult, that you are too busy.  What a waste!".  Too late now...I ordered it...my latest 'failure' was already on its way. 

  And come it did.  In a bright blue box stating in huge white letters 'Let's Do This!'.  Key word, LET'S!  I quickly came to realize that between my turbofire program, my coach, my fellow challenge members and the access to my beachbody account...I had a whole team behind me.  The only thing standing in my way was my negative self-talker...the only thing standing in my way, was ME!  So I thought I would try something new.  I would silence that bossy negative voice in my head.  I would ignore her.  I would silence her until I could change her mind.  And I simply, began.  I pressed play.  I posted in my challenge group.  I became accountable.  I listened to my coach.  I drank my Shakeology every single day.  And then I pressed play again...and again.  Today, I finished my first ever beachbody challenge.  I, Tina Pelletier the self-proclaimed failure, finished 12 weeks of a challenge!  Today, I became a goal achiever.  You see, I discovered throughout this journey that it wasn't that I couldn't accomplish my goals.  I had learned that I had no idea how to set a goal and I have never felt like I had the support and the means, the map, to follow through and achieve it.  Today, I am 28 pounds lighter.  Today I feel like I can accomplish ANYTHING that I set out to do.  Today, I know how to set a goal and seek out the skills I need in order to see it through.  Today, I realize that food is not my friend, but it is also not my enemy.  Today, I received another blue box in the mail.  Tomorrow, I start Insanity!  Insane?  Absolutely!  But I know now that I can do difficult things.